Monday, February 27, 2012

As Essential As Taking in My Next Breath of Air

I've been thinking all day today about how most of my posts must come across as negative. I find that when I really need to vent about something, blogging is a very effective outlet for expressing my emotions. Since I have felt a great need to unplug lately, it means I tend to stay away from the computer when things are going well and I am feeling great. I am not in the habit of sharing the cute things Lily does every day because I really just want to experience being with her as much as I can without thinking, "I need to blog about this later!" For the past few months, or probably even longer, not a day has gone by where I think, "I could write a blog post about that! I should totally blog about that!" And even my husband gets in on it. He'll say, "That'd make a really good blog post." This is usually in response to some neat conversations that we have together where we share our ideas with one another. On one hand I am flattered that there is ever anything that comes out of my mouth that he considers worthy of a blog post, and on the other hand, those are our thoughts and our ideas. A lot of what I say to him I tell him in confidence, though it could make a good blog post, it doesn't really help with my endeavor to unplug. Even in our private conversations, the blog takes both of our attention.

On one hand, I love to blog. I wish I had more time to stop what I am doing when I get a thought that could become a really good post. Most of the time I am nowhere near close to having a chance to hash out a post. This is frustrating because I know I will forget it. I also know that when I do finally get a chance to sit and write, I can never recall the thoughts in the same way as when I was feeling the inspiration to write.

On the other hand, I want to get the social media out of my head! Honestly I may get on our laptop about once a week, hence why I usually only blog once a week. It's my iphone and facebook app that is what I am truly trying to escape. I don't know why I feel the urge to quit, I just do. I am thankful for it. Even if I do not understand the urge to lessen my time on facebook, I notice that I am spending more time in the scriptures and more time communing with my Father in Heaven and I am spending more time trying to savor my time with Lily. It feels liberating to not be tied to my phone so much.

Only this past week was hard. Really hard. It was hard on everyone. I have debated whether or not I should share it on the blog because it's yet another thing that I am sharing that isn't positive happy daisies and sunshine. I really do have moments of daisies, rainbows and sunshine. I just never get around to writing about them. I'm not sure what my problem was last week but I just couldn't shake the irritation and sadness. I was on the verge of tears and I was angry a lot and I had no idea why. There was just no explanation for it. There was really nothing I could do except just go through it. I am convinced that sometimes we just can't fix what happens to us. Sometimes we just can't fix the feelings we have. Sometimes we just have to experience them and be done. That's what happened to me for about four days last week. Nothing worked to make me feel better. Nothing helped me to cope. And today, finally, for what seems to be no reason at all, I feel human again. I didn't do anything. It just passed. I went through it and now I am done with it. At least for now.

I suppose one of the reasons I was able to be tossed around so badly was that I wasn't praying or reading my scriptures those days. Attending those births last week threw me off my schedule. I always take a few days to recoup and get back on schedule, and last week was just harder than usual to get back on my schedule. I was exhausted. My housework suffered and I really just did not feel like doing much. I didn't do any more than I absolutely had to do. I should have considered saying my prayers and reading my scriptures as essential as taking in my next breath of air, but I didn't. I decided to sleep instead. I had nothing to ground me. I had nothing to hold onto as the waves of despair and anger and frustration just washed over me and tossed me around, making me feel like I was falling so deep under water I would never reach the surface again.

And just like that, the waves, the feeling of being tossed around on the ocean in a horrible storm, stopped. Could it be that I started my day today with prayer and scripture study? It's an interesting coincidence. It's interesting to note that the last entry in my scripture notebook was February 22 and my bad days were February 23, 24, 25, and 26. My first good day was today, and this was the first day back to reading my scriptures. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. I could say, "Eh, it isn't like you have been back in the habit of reading your scriptures all that long. It probably didn't make a difference. There used to be a time, when you actually were reading your scriptures regularly for a decent amount of time, that missing a day made a noticeable difference in your attitude. But you really haven't been doing it long enough this time for it to really make a difference." I'm sure there is someone out there that would have me believe that reading my scriptures really doesn't make a difference.


I know that reading my scriptures does make a difference. A huge difference. As much a difference as taking in my next breath of air.

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