Thursday, September 29, 2011

Running Update

I am discouraged. I have not been able to run for 30 whole minutes since my 5K. My plan was to do some speed work for a couple of weeks, which I did. This week I wanted to return to normal and run for 30 minutes each day I went to run. So far I have not been successful. Tuesday I ran for about 15 minutes and today I only made it to 8 minutes. What is my problem? I don't understand why I am so wiped out.

Mr. Negative Poopy Pants is in full force today. He is telling me I will be fat forever. When I started the Couch to 5K Running Plan, I was 155 pounds. That is five pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. My weight fluctuates, but the lowest I have been was 147 pounds. So at most, I have lost 8 pounds. I really wanted to be at 140 pounds by the time I finished the Couch to 5K program. That was three weeks ago. I am still at 147-148 pounds. I really need to kick it in gear if I am going to get to 140, and really I'd like to get it down to 130-135. But anywhere in the 130s would be nice. I guess I could say 120s and 110s too. It keeps getting lower and lower, doesn't it?

I suppose at some point I need to be happy with my body. Sometimes I think, "Kristi, you are going to look back and wish you had this body back." And then I think, "I hope not! I hope I am never this fat again!" I will miss the fact that I am young and healthy one day, I am sure, but I hope that I never am this heavy again. It's pretty hard being here when I used to be the skinny one all the time. I was always the skinny girl. I'm not that anymore!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Well almost

I have never participated in a Wordless Wednesday, so here is my first attempt....with a few words added. 

My baby is growing up!



One Month

Two Months

Three Months

Four Months

Five Months

Six Months

Seven Months

Eight Months

Nine Months

Ten Months

Eleven Months

Twelve Months

Thirteen Months

Fourteen Months

Fifteen Months

My beautiful girl at fifteen months

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Finding my way

I am still not satisfied with the direction I have taken with my blog. For the past year, to attempt to increase traffic,  I have been trying all kinds of gimmicks such as Search Engine Optimization, trying to stick with a theme, attracting people with giveaways, writing about topics that I know will get a rise out of people (although in all fairness, what I wrote was really what I was thinking and feeling at the time, though ordinarily I keep stuff like that to myself), and joining mommy bloggers groups. Well, it turns out that I absolutely suck at all of it. And you know what? That's fine. I miss the days where I could just write about whatever the doo doo I wanted to write about instead of always thinking, "I wonder if people will want to read this." I am tired of thinking I wrote something fantastic and from the heart, only to check my google stats and no one read it and then writing something that I perceive as absolute crap and people love it! I have no idea what people like!

I suppose part of my problem is that people could tell I wasn't being authentic. I am not sure what the secrets to success are when it comes to those review/giveaway blogs. I tried it, and I did not figure out the secret. Maybe I just did not have enough patience. Although I love cloth diapers and other natural family living and handmade baby items and loved sharing about them, I just did not figure out how to be successful at becoming a review/giveaway blogger. I love talking about birth. Love love LOVE it! I am in the process of becoming a certified doula through DONA. I have attended four births so far and it has been a fantastic experience, though not without the tough moments. I love talking about breastfeeding. I am not expert at breastfeeding, but it has been a sweet journey so far. I love talking about parenting and my journey through motherhood. Although there are tons of blogs that are about motherhood, birth and breastfeeding, I can be just one more, right?

I am really trying to find my niche. I suppose my niche is that I am a plain ole average girl. If you want to read about motherhood for a plain ole average girl, then this is the blog for you! Here is a bit about me.

  • I am 28 years old. 
  • I am married to my high school sweetheart and I am crazy in love with the guy. I still get jealous sometimes and it's hard not to think about clawing out the eyeballs of all the other girls that want him. Because they do. They ALL do. Nope, he's mine, ladies! Back off. 
  • We have one 15 month old baby girl. We hope to have two more babies some day.
  • I am LDS and I am the Primary Secretary in my ward.
  • I play the flute. I like it so much I decided to go to college for it obtain my Bachelor and Master of Music degrees. I teach middle schoolers and high schoolers how to play the thing and I play in several orchestra concerts a year.
  • I am working on my doula certification.
  • I am an advocate of natural childbirth. I think it is so fantastic and empowering and it was one of the best experiences of my life. My secret wish is to have a home water birth one day. Okay, maybe it's not really a secret, but I call it a secret. I have wanted to have a home water birth even before we even thought about having babies.
  • I am a breastfeeding advocate. I love breastfeeding. I think it's awesome! And I love it when women "whip their boobs out" in public and feed their babies, although I am still too self conscious to do it myself. I have no problems nursing in public, but I still use a cover. 
  • I have a few hot button topics, such as CIO methods, circumcision, induction, and formula, but most of the time I keep quiet about it. My biggest interests are birth and breastfeeding.
  • I admire runners. I have always wanted to be a runner, but I have always felt like I just didn't have what it took to be a runner. Well, I am determined to prove myself wrong. I recently ran my first 5K, and I am a C25K graduate. I have recently started the Ease to 10K Running Plan.
So, there's nothing really special about all of that. I wish I had a way with words so that I could humorously share my interests with everyone, but I don't. I am so not funny at all. At least not on paper. I can be funny by accident most of the time, but I do like to laugh. Others can make me laugh pretty easily. 

So I suppose what my point is, is that I would like to write about....whatever. Whatever comes to mind. I am not going to try so hard anymore. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Making friends

I have found that if I am not in school, I have a difficult time making friends. I am not interested in what most people are interested in. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't see R rated movies. That severely limits what I can do. I can't go to bars to listen to bands, and I can't go see most movies because very few are not R rated anymore. Before I got married, I felt as if I did not fit in with people from church. I was just about the only one of the women my age who was not married yet and/or had children. I always felt left out and behind. I still struggle with feeling behind, but that is another story for another day.      
                                              Friends: Rustie and Niblet
I finally got married and we moved to Houston. Where we first lived, we tried making friends with the young married couples without kids. For some reason we could never hit it off with anyone. We tried to be pleasant and attend all the social gatherings that our church offered. We would hang out with the people in our age group without children, but after a few hours with them, they never wanted to talk to us again. We would see them pairing off with other couples, even couples who moved in after us, but we never found any friends. It was a lonely time. We felt isolated. And alone. We wondered what was wrong. "What are we doing wrong? Why doesn't anyone like us? Do we smell?" Robbie would say, "It must be because I am fat." I'd have to say, "You're not fat!"

After about six months of living there, our apartment got broken into while Robbie was asleep one morning. After that experience, we felt even more lonely and isolated than ever. Add to that a feeling of fear, violation and paranoia. We rode the last six months of our lease and finally moved away to a town outside of Houston.

It's been so much better for us in this new place. We feel more at home at church than we ever have with this group of people. I have to give credit to our little girl. I believe that most of our friends at church are charmed by her, so we are able to make friends thanks to the cuteness of our little girl.

However, I am beginning to doubt my abilities when it comes to making friends. At this point, I am always on my best behavior, unsure if my friends will accept me as the person I really am. Isn't this just the goofiest thing to ever come from a 28 year old woman's mouth? Maybe so, but I still think it. I am never quite sure if I can say what I am really thinking. My brain to mouth filter works overtime around my new friends. There are just a few people that I know I can say what I am truly thinking and I do not have to worry about offending.

It's not as if I am mulling over evil things or anything. I suppose my biggest worry is my immature sense of humor. I am so immature. I have a very crude sense of humor mixed with some silliness. Of course, that doesn't mix with most of the "grown-ups" I have come to know and admire. I still feel like a little kid most of the time. I think things are funny that I shouldn't, and I can't help it. For example, I could joke about poo and boogers all day long. Ren and Stimpy was my favorite cartoon as a kid. I think hay bales are funny. The Zoloft commercial cracks me up. By the way, did they take those off the air?

I am the last person to get a joke. My husband has a witty and quick sense of humor. He will say something funny and awesome and then, poor guy, he gets a blank stare from me. Then he says, "Wait for it....." And finally I say, "Oh! I get it!" Ha ha! That's me. I am very proud of myself once I "get it." I've always been that way. I remember standing with my group of friends while they all laughed at jokes and I would laugh along with them without knowing what in the world they were laughing at.

In college it seems as if the friends I made all like to hang around me and just tease me. That was how we all got along. Everyone would take a random shot at Kristi. At least it was all in good fun and no one ever said anything mean. They liked to poke fun at my random comments and my silly sense of humor. I miss that. They even still liked me when I wasn't always in a good mood.

With that being said, I am not always in a good mood. I get sad sometimes. I get mad. I get irritable. I get really down on myself. I feel a wide range of emotions. I don't always feel happy. I have a tendency to be a negative person. I have come a long way in that area, but I still have plenty of work to do. I feel whatever I am feeling very deeply and I take things very personally. I want to be liked. I don't have confidence in myself to be liked and I don't have confidence in people around me that they will like the silly me, or the "poo girl" in me, or my random comments.

Sometimes I make mistakes. I recently made a mistake and I have a feeling that I lost a friend. After just one mistake. An accident. Something I would have never done on purpose. I suppose all I can think is, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

I am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I suppose that is the perfectionist in me. There is no need for anyone else to punish me because I can take care of it myself. I suppose it's the negativity in me that thinks that I have lost a friend after one mistake. Maybe I have. Who knows?

And this is why I say it is hard for me to make friends now that I am a grown up. When I was in high school, our band director told us that we needed to find someone to sign up to sit with on the bus before our first away football game. I looked to my right, she looked to her left, and we just raised our eyebrows, silently asking one another, "Will you sit with me?" We were best friends from that moment on. What happened to the days when that was all it took? What happened to the days when I could be really mad after band and then happy after my next class and my best friend was still my friend? What happened to the days where I could say something really dumb and my friends teased me and laughed about it? What happened to the days where I felt comfortable being in my own skin around people? What happened to the days where I knew my friends would be there, where I knew they meant it when they said, "call me," and I knew I could truly count on them when they said, "if you need anything?"

I am a married woman. I have a baby. I am a flute teacher. I am an aspiring doula. I have a busy life.

But I still need friends.

Monday, September 5, 2011

C25K: Week 9-The Final Week

I made it! Week 9 is music to my ears, the chocolate chips in my cookies, the puddin' to my pop. I don't really know what puddin' pop is, but it's something weird that I say sometimes. Or at least I think it. Do I say it out loud? I don't know. Hmmmm.....

Disclaimer: I have included photos of my bare belly in this post. If you do not want to see these photos, please do not read any further. 

Turn back now! Belly photos ahead!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Day 1:

Every day this week I am supposed to run for 30 minutes straight. Yes ma'am. That's a long way from barely making it through one minute of running. I have never EVER EVER EVER run for 30 minutes in a row, but I did it today. I have to admit, Mr. Negative Poopy Pants was being mean to me this morning. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he was being an extra super duper jerk today. He said, "You're wasting your time. You're not losing any weight. You're working your butt off, but it is just like everything else you have tried. You're not working hard enough to lose weight. You'll never get the weight off. You're unattractive."

I started thinking about how I needed to get my body image in check because I have a sweet little daughter that does not need to receive negative body images from me. She'll get plenty of that from others. I'm in the best shape of my life right now! I am not the skinniest I have ever been, but I never want to be THAT skinny again. I had no shape! I had no curves!

If I am truly honest with myself, I like my shape for the most part. I love what pregnancy did to my hips, butt and boobs. Yowza! However, my belly, not so much. It's not terrible by any means, and I can hide it with the right wardrobe. It's still kind of jiggly and pokes out some. My stretch marks haven't faded yet, either. I'm not sure how long that is supposed to take, but that doesn't bother me as much as the loose skin.

I'd like to include a few pictures of my belly for several reasons. First, I'd like to illustrate what I am talking about above. Second, I would like to show what a regular ole girl's belly looks like 15 months after having a baby. I've been working hard to lose weight and tone up my belly, but I still have work to do. Third, I just want to say to my fellow postpartum mommies out there not to feel so bad if there are still stretch marks and if your belly pokes out. Mine does!

This is a full body shot before I started the C25K running plan. I am roughly 150-155 pounds in this shot, and I probably had to squeeze myself in my size 10 jeans. You can see a little bit of my poochy belly hanging over the top of my jeans. They fit really well in the butt and hips, but they are tight around my belly. I never had that problem before pregnancy; I always had to buy jeans to fit my butt. My upper arms are also bigger than I would like, but I can deal with that.

Now for the fun shots!

And these are pictures of my bare belly! Woohoo! Even after three months of running and trying to do some ab work, I have quite the little pooch there. That's okay, though! Right?

Day 2:

This morning I did not not NOT want to get up and run. I felt bored of just running 30 minutes and wanted to try something new. I decided that I would not be very prudent of me to do anything new two days before Race Day, but I changed my speed up a little during my run. It made it pretty tough because I went faster at some points than ever, but I spent most of the time slower than normal. I wanted to take it easy and not tire myself out for the race.

I have been debating whether or not I should use my race as my final C25K workout, but it seems as if that is what is going to happen. Tomorrow is a rest day and Monday is my race! I can't believe I am doing this, but I am so glad that I am. Wish me luck! 

Day 3: Race Day

I did it! I jogged a 5K race today and never stopped. No walking at all. I can't believe I would ever do something like this, but I am so happy that I was able to do it. I am now a Couch to 5K graduate! Go me!

Jessica and me after the race

Two friends, Jessica and Janet, ran this race with me and stayed with me the entire time. I am so happy they were able to attend. They did great! Jessica is one of the ones that got me started on this program in the first place and I am so glad that she did. If I can do it, ANYONE can! 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

15 Months of Breastfeeding

Yes. Yes, I am. I am breastfeeding a toddler.

And you know what? I LOVE this age! The past three months have been glorious and so very cute in our breastfeeding relationship. I love how she tells me when she wants to nurse by climbing in my lap and assuming the position. I love how she makes biscuits while she nurses. I love how she tickles my side. I love how she checks to see if her other boobie is still there. I love how she tousles her own hair while she is nursing to sleep. I love how that oxytocin rush still calms me down and makes me happy if we are both feeling a little stressed out. I love how we got our latch back on track since the last time I wrote about breastfeeding (at 12 months) and we have not had any problems since then.

Robbie still mentions weaning, but if he sees that she is just begging to nurse he'll say, "Give her niiiiinie. That's all she wants!" Mixed signals much?

I will say that a few days ago, I was taking a medication (only for the day) which meant that I couldn't nurse her. This was my first experience of pumping and dumping, and let me tell you, watching that liquid gold pour down the sink broke my heart. Back to my point. That morning, when she assumed the position for her morning ninnie, I had to gently tell her no. It just absolutely broke her heart and she cried and cried. I think it broke Robbie's heart even more! He can tell how much she loves it.

I keep teasing and saying I'll probably have to go to college with her. :o)

I know that's not true, but seriously, it's totally not true. She will wean at an appropriate time, when she is ready. Until then, my baby girl will continue to receive all the awesome benefits that breastmilk has to offer.

Friday, September 2, 2011

C25K: Week 8

This week was sort of a boring week. The workout was to run for 28 minutes straight. Last week was 25 minutes, so the extra three minutes wasn't terrible. I did it!

I wish I had more to say about it. I think part of the reason that I did not take the time to blog each day was that it is starting to become a part of my day. It's just something I do now. The newness is wearing off, so that sometimes makes getting out and doing it a little hard. However, I like that there is a goal in mind. I have signed up for my first 5K, which is happening on Labor Day. I have two friends running this race with me, and I am excited to participate with them.

I nearly forgot! In the middle of this week, I had a doctor's appointment in which she told me I needed to take a week off. way! So I took three days off and called the doctor to beg her to let me run. She did! The first day back was tough, but I made it. I think that is a huge change, because three months ago I would have accepted any excuse not to run. Go me!

I'll try to do better for my final week at blogging every day. I'm going to have to cram that week into three days, so I can finish before race day. I can do it! Almost there!