I have been pondering lately that I may have reached the point in my motherhood journey that I need to learn to let go. Last year I was obsessed with doing things on my own. It caused a lot of stress that people were helping me out so much, especially with babysitting Lily. I was able to meet two very special families who watched Lily on Tuesdays and Thursdays last year. The family that watched Lily on Tuesdays watched her for free. We wanted to pay something, but we just couldn't do very much. I tried sneaking money in Lily's bag, but she told me not to do that again. Instead I would bake cookies or brownies or sweet treats to try to return the favor. However, it still stressed me out because I felt like I was mooching. I was so ashamed and the shame really did a number on my self-esteem. I would get so angry at myself and beg Heavenly Father to please just please let us be self sufficient. Please let us take care of things on our own! The other family traded flute lessons for baby sitting, so I was able to feel at least the illusion of dignity. I appreciate that they were willing to work with me in that way.
Sometimes I would have to ask my mom for help watching Lily while I would play in concerts out of town. She did that and she seemed to love it. Still, I felt so useless because I have spent so much time trying to become independent and to be "grown up," and here I was still needing my mommy and still asking my mommy for help. Sometimes we still had to ask my mommy to help pay for things and, even though I didn't ask, she would always send us home with a whole bunch of much needed food.
So I spent an entire school year feeling worthless and stupid. I wasted my time feeling angry that I couldn't do it myself. I felt really resentful that I honestly, really and truly NEEDED other people. I needed the help I was receiving, and I hated that I couldn't do everything on my own.
A year later, we still really need to rely on others to help us get through. We have to rely on others even MORE now than we did last year. We need all the help we can get raising a family, and I suppose that's just the way it has to be. I just have to hope that those that help us are being blessed for doing so, just as we are being blessed by receiving their help. I just have to hope that we don't overburden anyone. As my mom would say I just need to "Get over it." I like to think that I just need to let go. I need to let go of the thoughts that, just because someone is blessing my life with help, that I am some sort of loser. I need to accept the fact, that as a mother, I really do need help from others, especially other mothers and that's okay! I hear about mother to mother learning all the time when it comes to birth and breastfeeding. Well, there is a whole lot more learning to take place other than birth and breastfeeding! There is more to life than just birth and breastfeeding and I will always need people to help me. I also need to understand that Heavenly Father places these angels in my life to help me. He is looking out for me, He loves me and He knows what I need. He is providing for me.
Why can't I accept that? Why do I feel ashamed and embarrassed? How do I learn to not feel ashamed and embarrassed with all the help I receive from other people? How do I learn to let go?