I love Lily. I mean, I love love LOVE her. I love her like crazy. I am in love with my little girl. She is the cutest, sweetest, cuddliest and funniest little munchkin I have ever laid eyes on. I can't stand it sometimes, I love her so much.
I have been trying desperately to hang on to every age. I want to enjoy this time so much that when I am older and I look back on it, I won't miss it or long for it because I enjoyed it enough. Is this even possible? I have often whispered in her little ear, "Please don't grow up too fast!" I just love her.
My favorite time with her is when I am rocking her to sleep at night. I may moan and groan about having to do it sometimes because I am so tired, but once I am in there, I don't want to let her go. I want to squeeze her close to me and I just want to breathe her in as she nurses for relaxation. I love when she brushes her little hands across my face and even when she pokes me in the nose. I love when she looks at me intently and then gives me the biggest hug. I love how she chases my mouth to give me a kiss. I don't usually encourage mouth kissing, but if that's what she wants to give me, I'll take it. Muah!
I love when she is hugging me and she pats my shoulder like, "It's okay, Mom. I am here." I love how if I am having trouble sleeping, I can go cuddle with my little babe and it relaxes me. This is especially helpful when I have received a phone call from one of my doula clients telling me her water broke but labor has not started yet! I love that overwhelming feeling of just LOVE and giddiness when Lily is breastfeeding. I love how it feels to have her in my arms after I have not seen her in several hours. I love how precious she looks when she sleeps. I love how precious she looks when she IS. When she just is.
I love her little language. I love how she asks questions even though I have no idea what she is asking me. I love how smart she is and how much she is taking in. I even love when she gets mad at me and completely tells me off because it shows she feels comfortable telling me that she isn't happy about something. I love how much she teaches me about service and love and I love how much she has shown me how much I love motherhood. My former flute teacher told me this weekend that everything she ever did in her life was just keeping her busy until she could become a mother. Then she finally felt as if she was doing what she was meant to do in her life. I completely agree. She said so eloquently what I was only feeling and unable to express.
Sometimes I can't hug Lily hard enough. I just want to squeeze her! And I can't kiss her hard enough. I now understand the phrase, "I just want to eat her up!"
So I have made it a goal to try to cherish every moment. Have I succeeded at this? Of course not. I am not sure it is realistic to cherish every single moment because sometimes life gets in they way. But I am going to try. I am going to try my very hardest to try to memorize this time, to take it in, to savor it, to hold onto it and to love it.