I have been trying desperately to hang on to every age. I want to enjoy this time so much that when I am older and I look back on it, I won't miss it or long for it because I enjoyed it enough. Is this even possible? I have often whispered in her little ear, "Please don't grow up too fast!" I just love her.
My favorite time with her is when I am rocking her to sleep at night. I may moan and groan about having to do it sometimes because I am so tired, but once I am in there, I don't want to let her go. I want to squeeze her close to me and I just want to breathe her in as she nurses for relaxation. I love when she brushes her little hands across my face and even when she pokes me in the nose. I love when she looks at me intently and then gives me the biggest hug. I love how she chases my mouth to give me a kiss. I don't usually encourage mouth kissing, but if that's what she wants to give me, I'll take it. Muah!I love when she is hugging me and she pats my shoulder like, "It's okay, Mom. I am here." I love how if I am having trouble sleeping, I can go cuddle with my little babe and it relaxes me. This is especially helpful when I have received a phone call from one of my doula clients telling me her water broke but labor has not started yet! I love that overwhelming feeling of just LOVE and giddiness when Lily is breastfeeding. I love how it feels to have her in my arms after I have not seen her in several hours. I love how precious she looks when she sleeps. I love how precious she looks when she IS. When she just is.
I love her little language. I love how she asks questions even though I have no idea what she is asking me. I love how smart she is and how much she is taking in. I even love when she gets mad at me and completely tells me off because it shows she feels comfortable telling me that she isn't happy about something. I love how much she teaches me about service and love and I love how much she has shown me how much I love motherhood. My former flute teacher told me this weekend that everything she ever did in her life was just keeping her busy until she could become a mother. Then she finally felt as if she was doing what she was meant to do in her life. I completely agree. She said so eloquently what I was only feeling and unable to express.
Sometimes I can't hug Lily hard enough. I just want to squeeze her! And I can't kiss her hard enough. I now understand the phrase, "I just want to eat her up!"
So I have made it a goal to try to cherish every moment. Have I succeeded at this? Of course not. I am not sure it is realistic to cherish every single moment because sometimes life gets in they way. But I am going to try. I am going to try my very hardest to try to memorize this time, to take it in, to savor it, to hold onto it and to love it.
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