Maybe there are people in this world who want to be friends with me after all. I have been struggling for the past two years with trying to find a friend or two that I could really develop a relationship with, someone who I could confide in, someone like when I was in college. I have tried to be friendly with the people I meet, and there was one particular friend that I really hoped to develop a true friendship with. However I would always think, "She's probably not as interested in being my friend as I am in being hers." Robbie would try to convince me that she obviously wanted to be my friend because of all the things she would invite me to do and all the stuff we would talk about. I just couldn't understand it. As much as I wanted to be her friend, I just couldn't understand or believe that she truly wanted to.
Come to find out today, without realizing that it was obvious, I've built up walls around myself. She was trying to get through to me, and she would tell her husband, "I have known her for a year, but I still feel like we are just acquaintances." Oh.
I think she has been getting a little frustrated with me because I build up walls around myself due to our financial situation. My husband and I are of modest means, and we both come from modest backgrounds. We struggle big time with our finances. Not that we are irresponsible with our money, I am actually a tightwad. Majorly. But we just don't have enough income for how much it costs to live here. It's no one's fault. I suppose it was a series of unfortunate decisions, mainly what we decided to be when we "grew up," that led us to this situation now. That, combined with the fact that we are doing everything in our power so that one of us can stay home with our child(ren).
So this has led me (maybe Robbie too, but I can only speak for myself) to feel inferior to everyone around me. It has led me to question the motives of anyone who is nice to me, and it makes me feel terribly guilty that I have nothing with which to return the favors that I so often receive. I have tried, but I just can't do it. I have nothing. I have nothing to give and nothing to offer.
My friend tried to tell me that this is not true. She has tried to tell me this before, and she says I just brush it away. She can tell that it goes in one ear and out the other. I thought I was a great faker, but silly me, I should have known. I've never been good at hiding my thoughts. I've never had a very good poker face.
I finally just spilled the beans. I finally told her what the real issues are, and about some of the most humbling things we have experienced lately. It felt good to finally admit to someone what a loser I am. Only she didn't think I was a loser. Only she told me that they have a few of the same problems sometimes, only for different reasons.
I am thankful she had the courage to tell me what she was thinking and to let me know that she really did want to be my friend. I know it will be a long journey for me to try to feel like a person who has anything to offer, but hopefully it will be one where I can have success. I am thankful that she was persistent and didn't give up on me after so long of trying to get me to tear down my walls. And most of all, I am thankful that she gives a crap.