I just need to get this out of me. I had a great article written, and Blogger decided it was going to prevent me from sharing it. The words were right. Everything was right. It was well written. I just don't have the time to make sure everything is good anymore, but I just have to get these feelings out of me.
Instinctual Mamas shared an article from Parenting yesterday entitled, "Tragedy in the Backseat: Hot-Car Deaths." Ordinarily I would skip over and article like that because I don't want to read something that will conjure up images that I could never unsee. However, some of the comments grabbed my attention. I saw, "People should stop judging this mama. This could happen to anyone."
"Really?" I thought. "REALLY? Who forgets their BABY? In a CAR? REALLY?"
I kept reading. If you have not read the article, read it.
The more I read the more I thought, "Oh no. No no no. This COULD happen to me."
I hope it never does. I hope I never feel what this mama feels. Death would be a kindness compared to what I would deserve for my negligence. I'd want to die. I'd want to rip my hair out. I'd want to scratch my face, my arms, my body. I'd want to rip my clothes. I'd want to inflict the most terrible harm on myself and it would still never ever stop the pain. I'd never get over it. Never. And I know my husband wouldn't either. Even if he forgave me, I wouldn't want him to. I couldn't take it. I just couldn't.
After reading this article, I decided we would have to take even more precautions to make sure we do not forget Lily. I already have a rule that, no matter how quick the errand, Lily gets out with me. I don't care how much longer it takes, or how heavy her seat is, she gets out with me. Because I am notorious for my bad memory, I am going to set up more rules.
1. My purse (including cell phone) will go on the floorboard in front of Lily's seat. If I have to reach in the back seat to collect the things I will need for the day, I won't be able to help but notice a baby back there.
2. Lily goes behind the passenger seat. Lily's seat is already on the passenger side so that I can see her more clearly in my rearview mirror. After we have more children, the smallest, more quiet baby will go behind the passenger seat.
3. One of Lily's toys will be my new fuzzy dice. I do not actually have fuzzy dice, but I do have my graduation tassels from a year and a half ago hanging from my rearview mirror. I need to change that to a baby toy so I remember that "Oh! I have a baby!"
4. Recruit backup. Caregivers need to be in on my plans. I will ask that they call me if we have not arrived within 15 minutes of our scheduled arrival.
5. Check and double check. I always check to make sure my A/C and radio are off before I shut off my engine. Now I need to include a quick look in the back seat before I shut my engine off.
6. Check one more time. After everyone is out, I need to ask, "Is everyone out?" just to make sure everyone is out.
I now have a plan, but there are images I can't unsee. Another article was written about this topic that I will not even read because someone shared something from it that I can't bear.
I just can't bear it.
I can't bear reading about that poor baby who pulled all her hear out as she was dying.
I can't imagine thinking about a poor baby strapped in a carseat.
Not able to do anything.
Crying, screaming, burning, suffocating, pulling her hair out, sweating, dehydrating to death.
Wondering where Mama is.
Frantic. Scared. Lonely. Panicking.
All alone dying.
I can't bear it. I COULDN'T bear it. I woke my husband up with my tears. I have never EVER cried from reading anything before. I feel sad. I mope. But I have never cried. Even hugging my precious little one closer, tighter and longer this morning did not erase the images of those poor babies all alone and forgotten.
I must be careful. Please help me to be careful.