Spiritual Overhaul

I have a confession to make. Since Lily was born Since I got married nearly three years ago, I feel as if I've dropped the ball when it comes to having daily personal scripture study. I can definitely feel the difference in my life. Sure I have gone through spurts of doing well, followed by spurts of not doing well. Perhaps this is just a spurt of doing well, but I hope that I can re-establish a habit of studying my scriptures every day.

I really need to make a spiritual overhaul. I've started making a physical overhaul. Now I need to work on my spiritual self. I had been trying to get through the Old Testament, but I feel like I need to read the Book of Mormon in order to get a jump start on my faith building again. There is something very special about that book, and I can't capture that feeling while reading any other book. I've studied the Book of Mormon several times in my life, but I need to do it again. I love it.

Usually when I read it, I start from the beginning and go to the end. Duh, right? I've never gotten to a place where I can just skip around. My brain doesn't work that way. This time, I am starting with the last book and working my way to the first. Today is the fourth day in a row that I've read from Moroni, and I want to share a few things that I learned a few days ago. Before I share my thoughts about Moroni, I need to share a scripture that describes how I'd like to read my scriptures.

"And I did read many things unto them which were written in the books of Moses; but that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the Lord their Redeemer I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning." 1 Nephi 19:23 (emphasis mine)

I'd be lying if I said that I always likened all scripture unto myself. I'd be lying if I said that I even did it all that much. A lot of the time, I just try to read through it because that is the best I can do. The fact that I am even sitting with my scriptures open and am reading one verse is the best I can do many days. And I have to say to myself that's okay! However, I want to do better now. I really want to give this whole likening the scriptures unto myself thing a try, even if the quantity of reading isn't very much. I need more quality to my scripture study than quantity. After all, I've already read the Book of Mormon several times. I need to really dig deep to overhaul my faith like I need to.

"And none were received unto baptism save they took upon them the name of Christ, having a determination to serve him to the end." Moroni 6:3 (emphasis mine)

This verse made me think about all the things that I set my mind to that I was able to successfully accomplish. I was determined to breastfeed and have a natural birth. I was determined to marry in the temple. I was determined to get a Master's Degree. I was not only determined to accomplish these goals, I was hard-headed about it. Then I had to think. Am I determined to serve the Lord to the end? Am I determined so much that I am hard-headed, even stubborn about it? Sadly, the answer was no. I don't feel that same hard-headed determination to read my scriptures every day. Or pray. Or show up to church on time. Why? I need to! Out of everything in my life, this should be my biggest goal.

"And the church did meet together oft, to fast and to pray, and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls." Moroni 6:5 (emphasis mine)

As I pondered this scripture, I thought about a few very special people in my life who I am seriously attached to now. There is so much love in their home and I feel so blessed to know them. I am so thankful for how much they have helped me through this first year of parenthood, not only temporally, but emotionally as well. They have truly taught me about the meaning of ward family. I never felt it before, even in my home ward. I love it here!


"But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven." Moroni 6:8 (emphasis mine)

I don't have much to say about this one, except I like it! I know it's true. Heavenly Father always forgives me, especially for those things I neglect to do. Like scripture study.

The Couch-to-5K Running Plan: Week 1

On May 31st I turned 28. I am in my late 20's. 30 is almost here. The big 3-0. I've been worried about 30 since I was 18. I'm not sure why, but I feel like once 30 hits, I won't be pretty anymore. I won't be young anymore. I won't be desirable anymore. Yes, I said it. I still want my husband to want me in *gasp, that way. Now, I am not trying to insult the 30 plusses out there. These are my thoughts and they only apply to me. Just because I feel like I won't be pretty anymore, that doesn't mean someone else isn't absolutely gorgeous. Just because I feel like I won't be young anymore, that doesn't mean someone else isn't still young. Just because I worry I won't be desirable anymore, doesn't mean someone else doesn't drive their husbands absolutely wild with their hotness. These thoughts only apply to me.

So 30 is two years away. I need to get my body in shape! Before I had Lily I exercised for about a year before we even tried to conceive. (TTC) I would do the elliptical and lift weights. I didn't pay too much attention to my diet. In one year, I didn't lose a single pound. Didn't gain either. Just stayed right where I was. I suppose if I really face facts, I wasn't exerting myself all that much. It was just enough to feel pretty good and somewhat energized. My clothes fit a little better, but mostly I just felt pretty good and accomplished. At the very end of that year, after not losing a pound, I decided that I should start running. It was terrible, and I lasted only one week. I could not understand why, after exercising for a year, running for five whole minutes just wiped me out. Well, I was pregnant! I had not yet found out, but my body was telling me, "Hey! You're growing a human in here! Don't start something new!" One week after I started running, I found out. And, WOOHOO, I had the perfect excuse to stop running. And stop exercising period. Once the second trimester hit and I started feeling halfway human again (ha ha, though I was a two humans in one body) I got back on the treadmill to walk. And walk I did for the rest of my pregnancy. I walked as fast as my legs would go and by the end, walking became quite the chore. I walked and walked and walked.

Another great side effect of being pregnant, besides trying to exercise my body, was that I was extremely vigilant about what I put in my body. My diet changed drastically. No fast food, no cookies, no sweets. No sodas. Although at the very end, on my "Boo hoo my baby is not here and my due date was yesterday" days, I indulged in Sonic a few times. Many of those habits developed during pregnancy have stayed with me fairly well. I eat fast food sometimes. I drink sodas more than I should again, but we eat sooooooo much better than we used to.

After Lily was born, I didn't do much of anything except nurse her and try to recover. One year later, my body begging for me to exercise again, I decided I needed to get back in shape. Especially since we eventually want to TTC baby #2. I want to be below my pre-pregnancy weight before we TTC baby #2. Yes, I admit it. We're planning on having more babies.

I started running last week. I started with a 4.5 minute run, then did 5 minute runs the rest of the week. I know myself. I can't just start out running for 20 minutes or I'll hate it and never do it again. I am slow at getting into exercise, but I am more likely to continue it that way.

When I posted that I admired runners, I had several ask me if I was doing the Couch-to-5K Running Plan. Well, no, I wasn't. I had to check it out. So I did. Cool! A program! I like structure! And it's a really cool way to measure my progress. So, here goes nothing. I am going to do this 9 week program.

Week 1:

Current Weight: 155
Pre-pregnancy: 150
Goal: 140 (to be reached by Labor Day weekend)

Day 1:

I am supposed to start with a brisk five minute walk followed by alternating 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking. That didn't seem so bad. I did have thoughts such as, "This sucks. I hate this. This is boring. Why is time moving so slowly?" It was pretty boring, but it also kicked my behind. However, it didn't kick my behind terribly. Exercise always kicks my behind no matter how long I've been doing it. It never seems to be easy for me. I suppose that's the point.

I started to notice something interesting as I was going through the walk-run cycle. My body started to prefer the feeling of running over walking. It was very strange. My mind certainly did not prefer the feeling of either one, but my legs got to this point where walking was really uncomfortable. My heart and lungs were happy that I did not have to run more than one minute at a time, though. I wonder at what point my heart, lungs, legs and mind will all be on the same page.

Day 2:

My shins are sore. I decided not to take a rest day because I have a mom due tomorrow. I know babies rarely come on their due dates, but I know my next few weeks are going to be weird. I am going to do this if I happen to be home at 6am.

While I was in the middle of my workout I tried to not look at the clock during my running intervals. I only lasted about 25 seconds and then I would look. I also noticed that after 25 seconds, that is when my body says, "Hey now. What are you doing to me? I don't think I like this." That's pretty sad. I was able to finish my workout, which is really cool.

I am probably getting caught in a trap that many beginning runners fall into. I don't want to take rest days! How am I going to lose weight if I take a rest day? Do I really need to take a rest day? How beneficial are rest days anyway? I know I plan to take Sunday as my rest day every week, but do I really need to only exercise three days a week? Will I lose 10-15 pounds in the next three months taking rest days? Ugh. I want to lost weight NOW! I know it's a long process, but it is so hard to wait. Will it really work? I mean, really really?

Day 3:

Yesterday I took a rest day and did pilates instead. I was worried about being able to do it today having a rest day in between, but I think it turned out better than I expected.

I hated it while I was doing it. I don't like doing anything on the treadmill, especially running. I didn't mind the walking so much, but it was the running (or really jogging) intervals that got to me. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like being uncomfortable. It's not really that I get out of breath, but it makes all the muscles in my lower half a little sore. No pain, though.

Once I was done I really enjoyed how I felt. It reminds me of having a baby. During labor it wasn't very fun, but immediately afterward I felt great! Of course the high that I receive after exercising doesn't last months like the high I received after labor. I had a special treat today, though. While I was at the gym, it started raining. I was able to cool off in the rain while I walked back to my apartment. I was the only person around, and I enjoyed the solitude of being in the rain and the darkness that accompanies it. I felt like I was in my own little bubble. It made me smile.

I think I am going to take a rest day tomorrow and add a fourth day this week.

Day 4:

I woke up in the bad mood this morning. I was tired, I didn't have any energy, and I just didn't want to do ANYTHING today, much less run. Or walk/run.

I sucked it up and walked over to the gym while thinking, "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't wanna. I don't wanna," the entire two minute walk to our apartment complex's gym. From what I've learned, however, if you can just get your behind to the gym, you'll be fine.

Yesterday I decided to take a rest day, and I think I am starting to buy into this whole rest day idea. Not really from a weight loss point of view but from a performance point of view. I always think that it will be more difficult to exercise after a day of rest, but this week that has not been the case. I also decided that I wanted to try 6 mph during my running intervals (I had been doing 5.5 mph) after reading an article yesterday that encouraged doing more than you think you can do in order to increase your speed. Well, I was certain that I would not be able to do 6 mph, but I did it! Woohoo!

I noticed during my 6 mph running intervals that it was easier on my body to do it that the 5.5 mph. Um, hello? Why? I'm not complaining, but I do not understand that. My mind really does not want to stay at 6 mph next week, but my body seemed to like it. Should I go with what my mind is telling me or should I go with what my body is telling me? My mind seems to be the more difficult part of my body to train.

I'll be honest. I am worried about next week. This week was tough. On paper it seemed to be easy. I have been so tired this week, but I feel so wonderful after my exercise sessions! It's great! I'll just enjoy the rest of this weekend and take it one day at a time.

Oh, by the way, I took our scale and hid it in the top of our closet. I mean, I know where it is, but it's not easily accessible. It feels liberating not to have that little hunk of junk taunting me every time I go into the bathroom. I am determined not to weigh myself until after my very last workout 8 weeks from now.

It's been awhile, but today I enjoyed breastfeeding

Disclaimer: This post will contain too much information about my breasts. Turn back now if you do not want to know about my boobie troubles. 


The last two months have been absolute hell torture pain misery agony for me as I would nurse Lily. It turns out that a baby doesn't have to bite you in order to leave terrible gashes on both nipples that would sting, burn and then fade to throbbing ache every time she would suckle. No matter what I tried, I could not get these horrible gashes to heal. They were pretty bad. (Don't say you were not warned.) In fact, the gashes looked so long and deep, it was as if my nipples could detach at any second. I was sure that each nursing session would be the last time I and my nipples would be one, and Lily would end up accidentally eating one. I cried a few times it hurt so badly. I would cling to her during the first few seconds and curl my toes. It was worse than those first few weeks of breastfeeding. I would question myself. "Shouldn't I have the hang of this by now? Why won't these heal? What am I doing wrong?"

I examined Lily's latch. I admit we were getting lazy with making sure she was in the proper nursing position because for so many months (months 3-10) we could nurse how we wanted and it never hurt. The only times I would experience pain with breastfeeding was when I would pump and startle my body into making too much milk. Ouch engorgement! Needless to say, I was back to being paranoid about our latch. I tried would compress my breast and hold it in place for her and that seemed to help. I wouldn't do it every time though. I should have, because it seemed to help me. I also would apply lanolin and/or some antibiotic ointment to the sores to try to get them to heal.

Finally, after two months of suffering in silence (well, my husband knew, but no one else) I decided to ask my favorite La Leche Leader for some advice. She reminded me about using a correct latch, gave me ideas on how to make sure that happened and suggested new, more toddler-friendly nursing positions. I am happy to report that her advice is working really well and was just the nudge I needed in the right direction. After two months, one side is now completely healed and the other is nearly there. Today I nursed my baby without cringing, and without dreading the nursing session. I actually enjoyed the experience and fell in love with breastfeeding and with my baby just one more time.

12 months of breastfeeding

We made it!

My goal was to breastfeed for a year as the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that cow's milk not be given to babies who are under one year old. Because I did not want my baby to receive artificial milk, I made it a goal to breastfeed for at least a year. I believe that shear hearheaded determination is what got us through this process. Of course, Lily has the easy part.

Now that I have entered the realm of "extended breastfeeding," I know I am going to need to defend my choices. This is new territory for everyone in my family. My mom breastfed me for four months or so, so she was familiar with breastfeeding to some extent. Other than that, neither my husband nor I were exposed to breastfeeding very much. I am thankful that he has been as supportive as he has been.

So, what does breastfeeding look like in the United States? 

• 75% of moms have at least initiated a breastfeeding relationship.
• 43% of moms are still breastfeeding when their baby reaches 6 months.
• 22.4% of women are still breastfeeding at 12 months.

That is nearly a quarter of moms. I could look at it several different ways. I could think, "Hey, I am pretty fantastic. ONLY 1 in 5 moms are still breastfeeding at 12 months. I am so awesome!" Or I could think, "Nearly a quarter of moms are still breastfeeding at 12 months. That's 1 in 4. I'm not so weird after all! I am so awesome!" I suppose, either way I look at it, I am awesome.

As I was looking at these statistics, I wondered, "Okay, so 43% of moms may still be breastfeeding at 6 months, but is this exclusive breastfeeding? They could be supplementing with formula or solids." Keep reading the chart.

• 33% of moms are exclusively breastfeeding at 3 months.
• 13.3% of moms are exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months.

Hmmm.....13.3% is not all that great. I wonder why the statistic is so low. I know I had to fight people off with a stick to keep them from giving my baby solids before 6 months. I don't know why it is such a big deal for a baby to eat stuff. How come it's not so fun to change a diaper? Or give the baby a bath? They make funny faces when you do those things too.

These were the national average, which all met the Healthy People 2010 goal. Woohoo! Way to go United States!

Now how did Texas stack up? (And Louisiana-my home state)

• 75.8% of moms initiated a breastfeeding relationship. (56.6%)
• 43.6% of moms were breastfeeding at 6 months. (20.2%)
• 21.8% of moms were breastfeeding at 12 months. (9.8%)
• 27.6% of moms were exclusively breastfeeding at 3 months. (22%)
• 11.1% of moms were exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months. (7.8%)

From that information, I am really glad I am a breastfeeding mom in Texas. Just with numbers, there is more support. I'd rather be in a place where 1 in 5 women are still breastfeeding a one year old than a place where 1 in 10 women are still breastfeeding a one year old.

So what does the AAP say about how long babies need to be breastfed?

"The AAP recommends that babies be exclusively breastfed for about the first 6 months of life. This means your baby needs to additional foods (except Vitamin D) or fluids unless medically indicated. Babies should continue to breastfeed for a year and for as long as is mutually desired by the mother and baby. Breastfeeding should be supported by your physician for as long as it is the right choice for you and your baby." (emphasis mine)

We made the year. Yay! Now I see that Lily is not ready to quit. I am not ready to quit. So we should not quit. I'll admit there are days where I have thoughts and fantasies about quitting, but I really am not ready to quit. I'll also admit I never ever ever ever ever ever in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be that kind of mom. I've know since my little brother was born that I would breastfeed for one year. That was it. Well, the year has come and gone and I just don't know when we'll stop. Who knows? She may be done with it today. I just don't see that happening though. At this point, as long as she wants to, I still want to. Though, I may be changing my mind pretty soon about that if we don't get our lazy latch back on track pretty soon.


Sources:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Breastfeeding Report Card for 2010

AAP Breastfeeding FAQs

Unasked for advice is criticism

"Unasked for advice is criticism."

I have never quite understood why it bothered my so much to receive advice from people when I never asked for it until I saw this quote. I do not remember where I saw it, but it has stuck with me ever since.

I am very sensitive, yet proud. I work hard. I do not often ask for opinions, and I only ask opinions from people I really respect. I am a very respectful person. I try to treat everyone I know with respect, but that does not mean I respect them or their opinions. Not that it's a great honor to be a recipient of my respect, but I am pretty stingy with it. And I don't know what someone does to earn my respect. Somewhere along the way, people either get it or don't. One thing I am fairly sure of, though, is those that offer unasked for advice generally do not receive my respect. This is because I do not receive criticism well. And that's exactly what it is.

When I was pregnant there were certain people who I could not STAND to hear from who wanted to tear down my goals to have a natural birth. I'm not sure what their problem was but they had no qualms about telling me that I'll most likely fail. They didn't come out and say, "You're going to fail," but they would say things like:
"Just wait for that first contraction."
"I have given birth naturally and medicated and it doesn't matter."
"If you can't take this, how do you think you can take giving birth?"
"You're crazy."

After my baby was born, there were other comments after I achieved my natural birth.
"You just got lucky."
"You had a dream birth."
Although they do not sound like criticism, these bothered me because it implied that I did not have to WORK to achieve a natural birth. I understand that a lot of what happens in birth is luck, or being blessed, or chance, or whatever you want to say to describe the parts that are out of your control. However there is a LOT in ones control to prepare for your birth experience. You can practice positions, prepare your mind, exercise, eat well, avoid unnecessary interventions, etc.

And yes, I did have a dream birth. It went better than I expected. But I worked hard! It's not as if I just sat there, not feeling anything and a baby just happened to pop out. No. I had to work!

Then people would talk to other people about birth in front of me and talk about, "Well, I had this drug and that drug and it was wonderful." Then they'd look at me and then tell their little impressionable young female friend, "Or, you could just take the pain."

No, my birth wasn't just sitting there taking the pain either. I was responding to the power my body was able to produce. Yes, it hurt. I won't lie. I got to a point where I didn't think I could do it anymore. Thankfully that was near the end! So I was able to experience the wonderful euphoria and empowered feeling that happens after a natural childbirth.

So then new parenthood happened. I didn't mind receiving advice and helpful tips from those I respected. And it didn't bother me really to receive outdated advice, either. It's not outdated advice that drove drives me up the wall. I don't feel a need to share new information with those people. I just smile and nod and say thank you. It's those that like to offer unsolicited advice that is totally contrary to what my heart and instincts tell me to do. For example, my baby was just a few hours old and I heard,
"You're spoiling her! You should just let her cry! Don't pick her up! Just give her a pacifier!" Really? She's not even a day old.

All this unsolicited advice is very powerful. So many young moms go against their own instincts and heart because they can't take the pressure from the unsolicited advice givers. Moms quit breastfeeding because of it. "Feed on a schedule! Don't let that baby control you!" So then the milk supply goes down because breastfeeding is a supply and demand process. If there is not enough demand because of scheduling, the supply goes down. So then baby doesn't gain weight. So here comes formula to save the day.

Or "That baby should be sleeping through the night by two weeks! Let your baby cry it out. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own." Face-> Palm.

There are so many more things I heard that just drove drive me bonkers.

However, tonight I was humbled by a dear friend of mine.

After spending the past year dealing with all kinds of online bullies, I have become overly sensitive and quick on the draw to "correct" people with evidence, links, and research. I don't generally share information unless someone says something to me first. However, recently I may have misunderstood someone and sort of fired back too quickly.

So this is my question. Perhaps all of those well meaning unsolicited advice givers (I'll just assume they were well-meaning and not trying to criticize me) were just trying to make sure that the information was out there; that the information made it to my ears to take or leave. Perhaps they were overexcited and just wanted to share their experiences. And perhaps they wanted to criticize. Perhaps they really think I am stupid. But I'll go ahead and take it as if they are being well-meaning. So, here I am on the other side of the advice giving. I try not to offer any kind of advice unless someone asks and then I jump at the opportunity. I am excited to share what I have learned. Not because I want to be a know it all, but because I think it's cool! And exciting!

And sometimes, I want to share information just to make sure that they get it. Whether or not they use it, I just want to make sure that they have to opportunity to hear the information. So, finally, my question.

Do I need to err on the side of over-education and risk offending someone? Or do I just need to keep my mouth shut, but risk that person never hearing information that might have saved them trouble in some way? What if something happens and they find out that I never said anything? It reminds me of when my husband and I are riding down the road and I know where we are going and I am pretty sure he knows where we are going because he is driving. Then I notice he is going the wrong way. I keep silent because I think, "Well, maybe he knows where he is going. Maybe he knows another way." And then after a few minutes I ask, "Where are we going?" And he says, "Am I going the wrong way?" And I say, "Yes." And he says, in a very frustrated way, "Why didn't you say anything!!!????" Then I say, "I thought you knew where you were going!" It's kind of like that. How do I know when to say something? I don't want to offend or aggravate anyone. I don't want to come across as a know it all, but I don't want to not say anything in case later they find out I actually knew something.

What do you think? How do you know when to share or how much to share, if at all?

Grab a Kleenex

I just need to get this out of me. I had a great article written, and Blogger decided it was going to prevent me from sharing it. The words were right. Everything was right. It was well written. I just don't have the time to make sure everything is good anymore, but I just have to get these feelings out of me.

Instinctual Mamas shared an article from Parenting yesterday entitled, "Tragedy in the Backseat: Hot-Car Deaths." Ordinarily I would skip over and article like that because I don't want to read something that will conjure up images that I could never unsee. However, some of the comments grabbed my attention. I saw, "People should stop judging this mama. This could happen to anyone."

"Really?" I thought. "REALLY? Who forgets their BABY? In a CAR? REALLY?"

I kept reading. If you have not read the article, read it.

The more I read the more I thought, "Oh no. No no no. This COULD happen to me."

I hope it never does. I hope I never feel what this mama feels. Death would be a kindness compared to what I would deserve for my negligence. I'd want to die. I'd want to rip my hair out. I'd want to scratch my face, my arms, my body. I'd want to rip my clothes. I'd want to inflict the most terrible harm on myself and it would still never ever stop the pain. I'd never get over it. Never. And I know my husband wouldn't either. Even if he forgave me, I wouldn't want him to. I couldn't take it. I just couldn't.

After reading this article, I decided we would have to take even more precautions to make sure we do not forget Lily. I already have a rule that, no matter how quick the errand, Lily gets out with me. I don't care how much longer it takes, or how heavy her seat is, she gets out with me. Because I am notorious for my bad memory, I am going to set up more rules.

1. My purse (including cell phone) will go on the floorboard in front of Lily's seat. If I have to reach in the back seat to collect the things I will need for the day, I won't be able to help but notice a baby back there.

2. Lily goes behind the passenger seat. Lily's seat is already on the passenger side so that I can see her more clearly in my rearview mirror. After we have more children, the smallest, more quiet baby will go behind the passenger seat.

3. One of Lily's toys will be my new fuzzy dice. I do not actually have fuzzy dice, but I do have my graduation tassels from a year and a half ago hanging from my rearview mirror. I need to change that to a baby toy so I remember that "Oh! I have a baby!"

4. Recruit backup. Caregivers need to be in on my plans. I will ask that they call me if we have not arrived within 15 minutes of our scheduled arrival.

5. Check and double check. I always check to make sure my A/C and radio are off before I shut off my engine. Now I need to include a quick look in the back seat before I shut my engine off.

6. Check one more time. After everyone is out, I need to ask, "Is everyone out?" just to make sure everyone is out.


I now have a plan, but there are images I can't unsee. Another article was written about this topic that I will not even read because someone shared something from it that I can't bear.

I just can't bear it.

I can't bear reading about that poor baby who pulled all her hear out as she was dying.

I can't imagine thinking about a poor baby strapped in a carseat.

Helpless

Not able to do anything.

Crying, screaming, burning, suffocating, pulling her hair out, sweating, dehydrating to death.

Wondering where Mama is.

Frantic. Scared. Lonely. Panicking.

All alone dying.

Forgotten.

I can't bear it. I COULDN'T bear it. I woke my husband up with my tears. I have never EVER cried from reading anything before. I feel sad. I mope. But I have never cried. Even hugging my precious little one closer, tighter and longer this morning did not erase the images of those poor babies all alone and forgotten.

I must be careful. Please help me to be careful.