Thursday, January 27, 2011

This is me, breaking the silence

Some days are harder than others in my motherhood journey. I experience many of those blissful moments where I just know that every difficult moment is totally worth it. Sometimes I feel completely on top of the world and like I have it all figured out. I think, "I am finally getting the hang of this motherhood thing!" Wrong! There is always something new, always something to learn, and there will always be something new to learn. A new baby was not the only person born on June 4, 2010. A new mother and father were born that day too! 
Unfortunately adjusting to motherhood has been more difficult than I thought it would be and more than I let on. And I let on a LOT! However I am silent about the hard times more often than I speak about them. I suppose I do not share all of my frustrations, difficulties and loneliness because I really am not interested in hearing about what I am doing wrong or how I should or should not be feeling. What I want to know is HOW it is anyone's business to tell another person how they should or should not feel in any given situation. Just because YOU feel a certain way about something does not mean anyone else feels the same way. I am not looking for a solution to my feelings either. I feel what I feel and that is that. It is difficult for people to understand that I may feel certain ways for NO REASON. It does not make sense, but it is what it is. Why must I have a reason for feeling a certain way? Why am I not allowed to just feel? It only adds to my frustration to have to explain my reasons for feeling a certain way, as if I must provide valid enough reasons as permission to feel that way. 
As if it was meant to be, I came across an article about breaking the silence when it comes to the difficulties of new motherhood by Busca from Birth Faith. I do not usually comment on blog posts, but I felt the need to share last night. My reasons for keeping silent are below.

I have several reasons for not sharing the difficult times.
1. I have the reputation among my close friends and family of being a negative person because I tend to vent my frustrations a lot.
2. Because I have been accused of being negative, I have been trying to change. I hold things in until I completely blow up. Then I get asked why I didn’t say anything earlier. Because if I do I get accused of being negative and irrational.
3. Because if I feel anything other than happy all the time, well I am a negative irrational person.
4. Children are supposed to be the greatest blessings ever. I need to be happy all the time. If I am not, I am ungrateful.
5. Talking about the hard stuff makes people uncomfortable, so I don’t.
6. I have no one to talk to, so I don’t.
7. My friends do not have kids yet. They, however, seem to be experts in parenting.
8. Certain family members do not agree with my parenting choices. They think I am stupid. If I told them that things are hard, they would be quick to tell me that I am doing everything wrong.
9. I share things with my husband sometimes, but he takes my feelings of loneliness and frustration so personally that I do not bother sharing what I feel most of the time to spare his feelings.
10. Because I was sure I was the ONLY mother who had trouble adjusting because no one else could possibly suck at motherhood as much as I do. Or no one else could possibly FEEL like they suck at motherhood because every other mother has it figured out and would have no reason to feel that way.
11. I don’t want to be the one to scare someone out of having children, so I leave out or glance over the hard stuff.
12. Really, who wants to hear about how hard motherhood is?
13. I don’t want to be the first to admit that motherhood is hard. What if I am the only one that feels that way? So I don’t say anything.
14. Because if I admit that motherhood is hard, then someone will take it the wrong way and think that I don’t love my baby. So I keep quiet.
15. When I am putting on my happy face, I hear people give all kinds of reasons mothers are selfish. “Mothers who _______ are selfish!” kind of comments. And sometimes that ________ is something I really wish I could do or I did do. So I keep quiet so people won’t think I’m a selfish mother.
That’s all I can think of for now! There’s more, I’m sure!

I was tempted to do some editing to lessen the blow of my raw feelings. I wanted to change "how hard motherhood is" to "how hard motherhood CAN BE." I did not change it because "CAN BE" suggests that there may be some lucky people out there who never experience difficult times. If that is you, wonderful! You are blessed. However, this is not for you. This is for those that DO experience difficult moments and are hoping to help someone else in the situation by breaking the silence. I am a new mother that experiences difficult moments in new motherhood, and this is me, breaking the silence.


  1. So what you are saying is that I shouldn't tell you that babies are easy. They are the best! Enjoy it while it lasts because in about 15 years you'll have a teen-ager and teen-agers will make you question why you ever thought you could parent in the first place? I shouldn't tell you that because you'll think I hate my kids and/or I'll scare you off of having anymore. This is me shutting my mouth so that when little L hits 12 months, you'll have another one cookin' in the oven. ;-)

    Parenting is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. Don't hold it all in until you explode. (And talking to husbands doesn't usually work because they want to fix everything and all we usually want to do is let off steam and we don't need it fixed.)

  2. Yes! You should tell me! Keep it coming! Especially about the one cooking in the oven when Lily turns 12 months. ;o)

  3. Thanks for breaking the silence, Kristi! You're not alone!

  4. Let it all out! We've all felt it at one point or another! And you certainly do NOT come across as negative. I heard someone say every new mom needs "mom friends" who can understand the stresses associated with adapting to being a mom. It helps oh, so much--even if it's online!

    Keep up the good work--you rock!!


  5. PS. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new design!! It is so cute, friendly, and it announces your love for music and your daughter. Way to go!!


  6. Thank you, Carla! Angela gets all the credit for perfectly capturing my personality.