Friday, April 30, 2010

Griping at 35 weeks

I'm really glad things have been okay with my pregnancy and my baby is growing like she needs to. I have one more test next week to see if I have Strep B. After that, my appointments will be weekly and I suppose they'll just be checking to see how close to labor I might be.

I think I am losing patience with my cats. I know that's a weird thing to talk about in relation to being pregnant, but my feelings towards them are changing in an unpleasant way. They seem to be taking turns doing things to make me angry, and I am usually the one that is very patient with them. They used to be my sweet babies who could do no wrong, and they actually DID no wrong. Now my boy kitty especially tries to make me angry. He especially does this after I've been extra nice to him. So why should I even bother being nice to him anymore? Why should I bother keeping him in this nice little home we have and why should I keep providing food for him when he's just going to be a jerk? I think he's trying to kill me. He gets under my feet and tries to trip me and then he'll hiss at me for no reason. I'm so tempted to "accidentally" leave my front door open and hope that he is able to resist that birds nest that is right outside our door. He's really turned into a jerk. I can't help but think of the fact that I didn't want him in the first place. Then I feel guilty for saying such a thing because he was one of the sweetest kittens ever and I fell in love with him. But he really was thrust upon me. I didn't ask for him. I wish there was someone I could give him to that I know would love him because sometimes I wonder if I even love him anymore. Then I feel terrible for thinking such a thing. It sounds so dumb, but this is something that is causing some inner turmoil. I've loved and taken care of this stupid cat for so long and now he's turning on me. He's being such a jerk, that even I am starting to get angry at him. I used to be the one that never got angry.

My other little kitty is a sweetheart but she has poopoo problems that really aggravate me. She has no idea how to keep herself clean and it really makes me mad to have to clean my carpets, upholstery, and every other surface every other day because I don't know where she may have happened to smear her poo. And these two cats cause so much contention in my home, with my husband being so angry that he yells, and I have to become the one to "fix" everything, that I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. But if I just opened my door and let them walk out, I would never be able to forgive myself. It's crazy because they are making me so unhappy. I get nothing out of having them. I used to....but not anymore. And to top that, I'm having a baby in a couple of weeks. I have to worry about how they'll react to her. There's absolutely no way to know.

Is there anyone out there who is looking for a cat? Someone that will really love him?

Other gripes: Heart burn!!! There is nothing in this world I can eat anymore! Sometimes I just want to cry I'm so frustrated. I can't sleep through the night at all with my endless bathroom trips. That's something that's been happening throughout my entire pregnancy, but I know is going to get way worse really soon. I've been trying to be a big girl and not complain about anything and not really talk about how uncomfortable I am, but I am not a big girl at all. And probably the biggest gripe of all; my endless loneliness. I do not have, nor will I ever have-at least so it seems-a social life. I thought I was going to be the pampered pregnant princess. I thought I was going to be able to giggle about girlie baby things with people who cared about the fact that I was pregnant. I thought I would have friends that would throw me a baby shower around here, but I don't. I've been forgotten. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my family and friends at home in Denham Springs that came to the baby shower that was provided for me. It was very sweet. But it makes me mad that I haven't made any friends in Houston. I've never been able to fit in when I've lived in Texas. This holds true for when I lived here in middle school. People didn't like me. They thought I was stupid because I was from Louisiana. They should give me some credit; I'm smart enough to get out of there.

And it makes me really sad that the one person who seemed to REALLY be happy about the fact that we were having a baby isn't here anymore. She made me feel like the baby in their family even when I wasn't pregnant. I've never really had to grieve for someone before, so it's all new to me. It just makes me to sad that we're having our sweet little Lilian come to us soon and she won't be able to hold her.

On a different note....I saw the Fischer Price Rock N' Play Sleeper a couple of months ago, and I've wanted one ever since. I don't know if I should go to the store right now and get it or if I should wait for Robbie. I know he wants to put the crib together when he gets home today. I'm going to get it. I just don't know when. I've made up my mind!

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