Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Forever indebted

As I am waiting for one of my clients to call me to her side, I have had a lot of time to think about the wonderful people in my life who have made the doula venture possible for me. There's my husband who drives his car to work when it is behaving sort of iffily during the past few days since I am unable to nail down exact times that this baby stuff is supposed to happen. Birth is unpredictable! There is a certain wonderful family that is on-call with me right now who is so amazingly patient and understanding of this whole birth process. There is my mom who watched Lily during a long birth process when I helped a friend at home. There are the wonderful families who watched Lily for me during flute lessons. Sometimes, they would let me pay them back with money. Most of the time, it was service. Or, dessert. There are the hugs and kind words when I feel like I am just losing my mind with this whole motherhood thing. It really hasn't been easy for me to adjust. Maybe I am trying to do too much. I love Lily to pieces. She is amazing. I am so impressed with her. But some days are just hard. There's no getting around that.

So, I keep thinking about how I will ever repay all of the people that have helped me so much during this season in my life. And I've come to the conclusion that I just can't. It won't happen. Ever. This leaves me feeling humbled to say the least. Maybe a little ashamed or embarrassed too. A little frustrated. I really do wish I could pay them all back. I wish I could return the favors somehow.

But this is my season of life. We are in the childbearing years. I am a young mother. My child can't take care of herself, so I need all the help I can get from the older, wiser mothers in my life. I am thankful for the women who have acted as my big sister, or cool aunt, or even mothered me when my own mother is far away. I guess this is what it's all about. Finding your tribe. Yes, it should include young, new mothers who are in the same place as you, but there should also be older, wiser women included. Women who have been there. Women who can say from experience, "You'll make it."

I am glad for the Relief Society lesson we had recently on charity. I remember that at some point I made the comment that at this time in my life, I am the recipient of a lot of kindness and charity from wonderful people, and I need to learn to be okay with that. Would I refuse help from the Savior if He were offering it? No. So I shouldn't refuse the help of His angels here on the earth who offer or are willing to help me when I need it. Another sister commented after that and said something to the effect of, "We have all been there. We are all indebted in some way and have all needed help." I remember our Relief Society president ending her lesson by saying that sometimes we feel like we have to return the favor, to repay everyone that has helped us. But we just can't do that. What we need to do is to help the next person when we can. So hopefully, one day, I will be able to help the next person.

It makes me think of the Savior and how much He has done for me. I will never ever ever be able to repay Him for what He has done for me. Ever.