At the beginning of this weekend, we had a bit of a challenge in which we did not know how we were going to be able to keep our commitments during the weekend as well as have Robbie make it to work on Tuesday. Let's just call them...vehicle troubles. It's much deeper than that, but for the purposes of this post, vehicle troubles seems to work.
Robbie told me about our vehicle troubles Friday night and said, "I don't know how we are going to make it to (fill in the blank with commitment A) in the morning." I think I pretty much told him we'll make it because there is really no other choice. Sometimes I get like that. You know, "It just HAS to work because there really is no other choice," kind of mood?
I'm not sure why Heavenly Father saw fit to bless me with faith this weekend but I am thankful He did. Most of the time I struggle to have faith, but this weekend I had this sneaking suspicion that Heavenly Father would send angels to help us. And He did. He always pulls through.
Did I ever share the story about how I was freaking out in the shower? Sometimes when I am really stressed out and freaking out over something, I'll just go stand under the running water and ponder and try to sort things out. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to water when I think about giving birth. Other than the fact that it helps A LOT with the pain, I just can't imagine not being able to immerse myself in water during labor.
One day a few months ago I was having such a day. Just fa-REAKING out over something and letting the water just wash over me. Of course there were tears. Lily was napping. I was worrying about something, and I was worried that Heavenly Father, for a lack of better words, was going to abandon us or basically leave us out to dry. I worry about this a lot, and it is something that I struggle with often. I'm always worried that He is going to abandon me. But at this time, when I was worrying about it, five little words in the form of a question came to mind.
"When has that ever happened?"
The answer is easy. Never.
I guess I am worried that there could always be a first time, but so far, that hasn't happened. It was such a teeny little experience, but I have thought back on that just about every day since then. When I catch myself freaking out, I remember that question. "When has that ever happened?"
This isn't to say that I've learned some great lesson or something. I still struggle with this whole faith thing. I think Robbie and I are learning together. Most of the time, he's the really strong one when it comes to faith, especially the action aspect of faith. I think this weekend he was starting to get a little worried, and thankfully, I wasn't. I just knew God would send angels.
So commitments A and B worked out on Saturday. However commitment C didn't, but it wasn't a necessity. Commitments A and B were.
We planned not to make commitments D, E and F, but thankfully there were some awesome people willing to help out. We made all the rest of them.
And Robbie's car made it safely to work this morning. We're still not sure what's wrong with it. We've had a really sweet man from church come take a look at it, so we are trying something to see if it helps. You know what really helps? Prayer. I'm not kidding. Now I have one of those stories. You know the ones. The ones where the car wouldn't work if you didn't pray but would work if you did. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I've been telling everybody about it.
A few updates:
I'm thinking about taking a break from doula work after this next birth I have to attend. I am so very sad about this. I can't really convey how heartbreaking it is for me to think about putting doula work on hold. It's just too much for us to juggle right now with both of our cars having problems and we're not sure when/if they'll work when they need to. I had a light bulb moment with the last family that I worked with and I realized just how much it takes to serve a family in that way. It's not just me. There is so much behind the scenes that goes into serving a family. I've decided that it's time to raise my fees. I probably won't get any clients for a long time, but I really have nothing to lose if I am planning to take a break anyway. If they are willing to pay the fee that I am worth, then I'll attend them. If not, I just can't do it anymore. I really wish I could help everyone, but I just can't. Not right now.
I have made some really great friends in this ward. I mean really great. I have never felt so at home in a ward before. It was in this ward that I finally understood what it meant to be a "ward family." I am sad to say that there are several families moving out of the ward soon. Lily's bestie is driving far away tomorrow. It's so sad.
I'm always the one that is leaving. I'm the one that moves away. I've never been the one left behind. I don't like it. I've sort of enjoyed moving because it gives me a chance to wipe the slate clean, to have a fresh start. I guess I always have this hope that I won't make a goof of myself at the new place, but I inevitably wind up making a goof of myself. I'm going to miss these friends that I've made.