My dear husband

In my prolactin induced state of loviness at 3am my thoughts turn to you my dear, sweet husband. You know that I am not known for my writing skills. I am not eloquent in speaking. I just feel like sharing with you and with everyone else what a wonderful man you are. I want to shout it from the rooftops. You work unbelievably hard for our family. I see you. I may not say it, but I notice. I love you. I respect you. I admire you. I am your number one fan! I know I never say it enough, but I love you more than these measly words will allow me to express. I appreciate you, and I love and appreciate the life and home you are working to provide for me and our dear little one. I appreciate how you allow me to be me. I can't remember the quote or who said it, but you remind me of President Hinckley and how he was with Sister Hinckley. Remember how he allowed her to spread her wings and fly? That's you. You always support me. For whatever the reason, when I'm alone and about to walk into a store I have what I'll call my parking lot thought. "Look at me. I must look like a woman whose husband loves her. I must have that confidence of someone that is well loved!" It's true. Remember this, my love, when I'm being less than perfect, when I am cranky from sleep deprivation or not getting enough Papa Bear hugs. I am not even close to perfect, so I don't treat you like the special loving man you are nearly enough. You really are my angel, Robbie, and I want everyone to know it! Dear Everyone! Robbie Keen is a wonderful, kind, sweet, extremely hardworking man and an amazing husband, father and provider. He doesn't feel like he is, but he IS. He's a good man. So here's to you, Robbie Keen, you good man you! I love you!

My Best Judgement

So I switched pediatricians. I went with the last one I consulted because she really sold me on her views on breast feeding. However, before I went there, I considered staying with the first person I consulted. I felt pretty strongly about staying with the first person. In my 37 weeks pregnant state, I decided to go with the person who mentioned they would be willing to help me with breast feeding if I needed it.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, we had a bit of a mold problem in our vents. It seems to be a common problem in a lot of apartments in the Houston area. While we were waiting for our ducts to be cleaned, I called the pediatrician's office to ask if I needed to worry about this. See, I'm a helpless parent of one of their patients. Of course I had to leave a message and wait for a call back. Not a problem.

One of the pediatricians in the practice, after several hours, called me back to say, "I don't know. I've never heard of that. Use your best judgement." What? Really?

I like to use my best judgement most of the time, but this was something that I couldn't find any information on which to base good judgement. I guess calling a doctor about it wasn't a very good move either.

So the very same day I called the first pediatrician and "repented." I am now very happy with the care Lily receives, and according to my best judgement, she's with a good place now.

I Have a Secret

I have a secret that I've never told, not even my husband. I am too chicken to bring it up, and I am a little afraid of what others might think. It is time for me to be honest and have a little courage. This is my secret.

I do not want to circumcise my son(s).

Now why would I be afraid to talk about this, and why in the world would I think about this? Why is this a big deal, and my husband usually likes to ask, "How long have you felt this way?"

I suppose I will start with answering the last question, and the others will get answered along the way. I do not remember exactly when I read Alice Walker's The Color Purple. I may have been 16 or 17, but I am certain I was in high school. I could not put the book down!

Fast forward a couple of years to my sophomore year in college. My friend L owned the movie, and I wanted to watch it after having learned that Jim Walker played the flute in it. Yes, it seems that my favorite movies tend to be ones in which Jim Walker plays the flute. Either that year or the next, I came across another book by Alice Walker entitled Possessing the Secret of Joy. This book was about female circumcision. I thought, "How could people do such a thing?" How indeed? Unfortunately people do it all the time to their little boys. In this country people are horrified at the thought of female circumcision, but male circumcision is "normal". An uncircumcised penis is considered abnormal, gross and dirty to many people. I started to do some research about this in 2005. I remember that year because that was the year my parents moved to their current home. In the back bedroom on the computer, I read article after article about this topic. I learned two things. First, it is a completely unnecessary procedure. Second, I would never EVER allow that to be done to my son(s).

I researched circumcision before I even got married and definitely before I had children. This was before I became interested in natural birth, breast feeding, slinging, gentle parenting, etc. It was definitely before I heard of Intactivism. This was a very recent discovery. I don't consider myself a follower of Attachment Parenting. I consider myself a follower of my heart and my instincts. If my heart cries out to me not to do something (for example, using CIO methods) then I just won't do it. Circumcision is the first of those tugs at my heart. I just can't allow it.

Now why is it such a big deal? I can't make the decision to cut off a part of my child's body, without anesthesia (or without enough) in many cases, because it is completely irreversible and irreplaceable. It is his body, and I could never bear him asking me later on, "Mom, why did you allow this to happen to me?" Sure there are procedures to restore the foreskin, but it is not 100%. If my son(s) want to be circumcised, he (they) can make the decision. If facts and figures don't convince, then the fact that my heart screams, "Don't do it!" should be enough.

Off the top of my head, I know the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization do not recommend it. It is no more difficult to keep an intact penis clean. The foreskin does serve a purpose, and I've read that it helps mens' partners as well. At least one thing I've read is there are less lubrication issues. Here is the latest post I've read about it.

Now I have been scared to say anything because circumcision is "normal" in my little piece of the world. I'm sure the men I know who may be circumcised (I really don't know who is and who isn't-it's just a guess from the way people talk) don't go around missing their foreskins. But how could they? They have no idea what they are missing. They have no idea that decreased sensitivity may not just be from getting older but may actually have something to do with the hundreds of nerve endings sliced off at birth.

I also fear talking about it because I sort of feel unqualified as I do not actually OWN this equipment. However, my little boys will own THEIR equipment. Not Mommy. Not Daddy. Not Mawmaws or Pawpaws, aunts or uncles. THEY get to decide. Until they are old enough to decide for themselves, please just leave their foreskins alone!

**Note: Please forgive my misuse of terminology in certain areas. I am not known for my writing skills, and I am by no means an expert on the topic of circumcision, restoration, or reconstruction. I am not a doctor or an expert of any kind on parenting or the penis. I am only an expert on my heart and my own good judgement.

***Note #2: I approached my husband about this subject before he had a chance to read this post and when I said I don't want to circumcise our (future) son(s) (after building it up about how worried I was about his reaction) he says, "Okay. We won't do it. My goodness you had me worried that it was something bad!"

Morningness

I am borrowing that word because it fits perfectly with the cheerful, smiley, sweetness Lily experiences in the mornings! This was the first time I was able to capture Lily smiling at me on camera. Every other time, she will quit as soon as I pull the camera out.

This smile makes my whole life! Robbie says he didn't know the purpose of his life until he saw that smile! Then he knew. We just love our little baby.

Love sure is funny. We thought we loved each other to bits and pieces and our hearts were completely full, and then we had a baby. Somehow there is always room for more love in one's heart. As much as we love Lily now, if we are blessed to have a baby #2 or baby #3, we will burst with love for those babies too. I can't imagine loving another baby like I love Lily, but of course I will! (If we're blessed with more babies of course.)

Prolactin Ponderings: From Facebook

Originally Posted on Facebook September 16, 2010 4:34 am

Awake

Lily and I went to bed an hour early last night which means that I am up for her night time feeding an hour early. Because my husband is super duper fantastic he got me this neat-o phone to play with while I have my prolactin ponderings. Here is what is on my mind.

I love Fuzzi Bunz diapers. Not only are they cute, they work!

I have Lady GaGa's Paparazzi stuck in my head. Am I too old to love Lady GaGa? I kind of feel silly that I like her but I just can't help myself.

I feel bad that I went to bed so early. It was an accident. I was trying to trick Lily into going to bed. Looks like she tricked me instead. I wanted to cuddle with my husband more, but I guess after that super amazing back scratch he gave me I was finished as soon as my head hit the pillow. Yes it was amazing!!! Don't be jealous!

That reminds me-one of Robbie's coworkers/friend called him last night just to brag about their delicious dinner at Chili's. Oh yeah? Well we had Chili Spaghetti. Top THAT! Nah, that whole conversation was funny. You know what I just realized? She had Chili's. We had Chili (spaghetti). I didn't even mean to be that clever!

My alarm is going to go off on 28 minutes. Should I even bother going back to bed? Um...YES! The answer is ALWAYS yes.

Prolactin Ponderings: Separation Anxiety

Our 5 am feedings have turned into 4:40 am feedings. However, our 12 am bedtime has turned into an 11:40 pm bedtime. During my early morning feeding with my sweet Lily pie, I was overwhelmed with so much love for my little baby girl. I suppose it is a response to the hormones, but I just feel absolutely SQUISHY and GOOEY with love for my baby. Of course these warm and tickly feelings trickle over to my husband as well, as I get to see him at 5am as he wakes and gets ready for work!

The past few before-bed prolactin ponderings had me thinking about the separation anxiety I felt when Lily was a tiny newborn. I missed having her in my belly. I missed the closeness that I felt with her, and I all of a sudden felt so alone being the only one using my body. Even though she was RIGHT THERE in my arms, I felt the separation of her being her own little person. I missed her! I think she went through the same feelings as well. When it came to bed time, we both really wished we could sleep together all cuddled up in each other's arms. It was hard at first! Robbie HATED seeing me lie down with her in the bed to breast feed because he was afraid that I would roll over on her by accident. He finally was able to convince me not to do it anymore. Not that I did it very much-I just don't do it at all now. Especially since he's back at work. However, she still sleeps in my room right next to my bed in her Rock N' Play Sleeper. I love having her close by. What I just realized, though, is that I do not mind that she is her own little person anymore. I quite enjoy NOT having her in my belly, and I enjoy being able to spread out in the bed without worrying about rolling over her (or making my hubby upset with me). I appreciate how she is her own little person, and a funny, sweet, and cute one at that! Gone is the separation anxiety of her birth.

I guess once I finally move her to her own bedroom I'll have to get used to something new all over again. Until then, we can work on getting her (and me) ready to sleep more regularly in her big girl crib that's in our room.

Sleep while your baby sleeps

Yes, I know that's what I should be doing right now. I just want to take advantage of this hands free moment to update a little on my bundle of joy.

Lily turned three months old on September 4th.

She has learned to:

• Roll from tummy to back
• Roll from back to tummy
• Accidentally say ma-ma-ma-ma
• Giggle and smile
• Drool
• Hold her head up on her own
• Push up on her elbows
• Coo and "talk" to mommy and daddy
• Grab things
• Scoot a little-by accident I think
• Use the big potty

Ha ha! Just kidding on the last one. I think I fell asleep and started dreaming a little. She really is a funny baby and makes me laugh all the time. I enjoy being with her, and I am so in love with my little girl!

Prolactin Ponderings: I want to cry because...

I love her so much. These 5am feedings have become a quiet, sacred time where I can just sit and stare at my little bundle nuzzled against my breast. She looks like she would rather be in no other place in the world than in Mama's arms. I think she might love me too! I love her precious little face and her sleeping eyes. I never used to believe it, but I am vaguely starting to understand the meaning of the phrase "a mother's joy." I feel as if my heart might burst! I hope to cherish every moment because I know it won't last forever. I am so thankful Heavenly Father loves me so much to bless me with such a sweet little angel.